If you want to live a happy life and be right up to date,
   You should live in Kansas City, U. S. A.,
Where they start to carry out a thing, they get there, sure as fate,
   For they never stop their hustling night or day.
They have boulevards and paseos and libraries and parks;
   They have finished up the big Convention Hall;
And the latest thing they're doing is to have a Public Bath,
   And to-night is when we start the opening ball.

CHORUS.
So whenever you're in doubt, go take a bath;
It will cool your burning brow and calm your wrath;
   There is no excuse, you see, Col. Nelson's made them free,
So whenever you're in doubt, go take a bath.

If your friends from out of town come in to pay your visit back,
   And you want to entertain in proper style
You can waltz them 'round the city on a bike or in a hack, 
   Or take them out and  play them golf awhile.
You can show them manufactories and cattle from the range;
   You can take them to the theatres at night,
And in case they come from Kansas and like water for a change,
   There's a way to entertain them out of sight.

CHORUS.

When the Custom House is finished (and it may be done some day),
   And we get the Eight Street Viaduct put through,
We can ride up from the depot and not slide the other way,
   As the cars now on the incline often do.
When the Willie boys and mashers are compelled to change their base
   Off Eleventh street, from Walnut clear to Main,
Why Kansas City surely then will be a better place
   And shopping be a pleasure, not a pain.

CHORUS.

There's a gang in Jackson county here who never took a bath,
   Excepting in the creek or when it rains;
They vote twice on election day and shun the narrow path,
   And now and then they go and hold up trains.
If the decent, honest people of this grand Missouri state
   Ever rise up in their dignity and might
They will paralyze the alibis and open up the gate
   Of the big Missouri pen and serve 'em right.

CHORUS.
Down at Jeff they give a hair-cut with a bath;
If the people ever rise up in their wrath,
   There will come a time, I guess, when it's safe to ship express,
But you'll have to give these Cracker Necks a bath!