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THE ADVENTURES
OF
FATTY LEWIS
By
Arthur
Killick
Copyright,
1915, by A. F.
Killick and W.
P. Harvey |
THE WORM
TURNS.
"How
did your wife enjoy that
story telling how busy
she was?" asked Hurrah
Smith.
"Oh, it made an awful
hit with her," Fatty
Lewis declared.
"She liked it so well
that she's taken my name
out of the pot, broken
my plate and treats me
like I was a boarder
three weeks behind in my
dues."
" 'You got a lot of
license going around
telling stories about
how busy I am,' she
says. 'Nobody
needs to waste any
sympathy on me.
You're the one they
should feel sorry for.
You're the little old
queen bee, you are.
You're a fine provider.
I honestly believe
you're smart enough
almost to get a free
iron watch fob at an
implement dealers'
convention.
" 'You should squawk
about the hard times a
woman has around the
house. Why didn't
you tell it all while
you was at it? she
declared. 'Tell 'em
how hard it is for you
to lie in bed while I
get up and make the
fires and get the
breakfast. Let 'em
know that you won't get
up until the morning
paper arrives and then
come down to breakfast
and bury yourself in it,
and if anybody asks you
a question the best they
get for an answer is a
grunt or a sour look.
" 'You who the night
before were the life of
the party. Told a
lot of funny stories and
led the singing. I
wish your friends could
see you at breakfast in
your first class
impersonation of the
Sphinx. You look
as inviting as a no
trespassing sign
It would actually be
dangerous for anyone who
didn't carry accident
insurance to even speak
to you.
" 'Business worries,'
she sniffed. 'You
may have them, but if
they've added pinochle
and draw poker to
business courses in the
colleges it's news to
me. You needn't
blame me if you don't
draw the third ace.
I don't deal the cards.
Take your grouches out
on the people you play
with.
" 'And speaking of the
laundry,' she added,
'Why is it you always
want to wear a shirt
some place when it's in
the wash? None of
the shirts that are
ready ever suit you.
I don't wear your
shirts and get 'em
soiled. Yet you
always act like it's my
fault that the one shirt
you want to wear ain't
ready for use.

"A woman's a fine simp
trying to save some
money around the house
while Mr. Goodfellow is
bumming around thirst
parlors buying drinks
for bartenders."
" 'Some of your
friends ought to get a
peep at you some night
when you come home and
supper isn't on the
table and waiting for
you,' she continued.
'Of course, if you're
late or meet some friend
and don't come home at
all -- that's all right.
Supper can get cold and
the rest of us eat it.
You're a business man,
and of course business
is liable to detain
anybody.
" 'A woman's a fine simp
trying to be economical
and save you some money
around the house,' she
declared, 'while old Mr.
Goodfellow is hard at
work sitting out
watching a ball game and
betting fifty cents that
a runner don't see first
-- or bumming around
thirst parlors buying
drinks for the
bartender. That's
a smart trick, buying
drinks for bartenders.
You might as well buy
apples and throw 'em in
an orchard.
" 'And while we're on
that subject,' she
continued, 'don't take
the trouble of slipping
off your shoes and run
the risk of catching
cold walking around in
your stocking feet
thinking I can't hear
you walking upstairs.
I can hear you three
houses away from here.
You breathe like a
wind-broken horse, with
that asthmatic-wheeze.
" 'And another thing I
might add is that you
didn't get away with
that stunt last summer
of coming home at
daylight and getting out
the lawn mower and start
cutting the grass,
trying to make me
believe you got up
early. I knew you
hadn't been in the
house. The air was
too pure. There
wasn't a trace of
alcohol in the room.
" 'You should kid
somebody about being
busy,' she declared.
'You with your "Dearly
where's my socks?"
"Where's the clean
handkerchiefs?" "Where
did you put my shoes?"
"I can't find my hat."
"And where's that?"
"And where's this?" And
"I'm late; will you put
the buttons in my
shirt?"
" 'Why, you could be in
the middle of an acre of
clean clothes and
couldn't find one sock
if somebody didn't lay
it on a chair right
under your hand.
I'd have at least two
more hours a day if I
just didn't have to pick
up the things you leave
scattered around from
the kitchen to the
bathroom, to say nothing
of the time it takes to
get you ready for work.
" 'Of course,' she
admitted, 'I've got to
make allowances for the
amount of time you
devote to the baby.
I think you bought a box
of cigars and a few
drinks about six years
ago celebrating his
arrival, and since that
time you've told him
hello in the mornings
and good-night in the
evenings -- when you
were home -- almost
every day, not
overlooking the three
hours you entertained
him one afternoon while
I went to visit a friend
in a hospital.
" 'Yet, if he don't mind
the minute you tell him
to do something you rave
at me about spoiling
him. The truth of
the matter is the poor
child isn't well enough
acquainted with you to
be certain whether or
not he ought to take
orders from you'."
"Did she have any other
grievances?" Hurrah
Smith inquired.
"I don't know whether
you'd call 'em
grievances or not,"
Lewis replied.
"She said something
about her idea of
marriage was that it was
a partnership, with each
partner owning an equal
share of the business,
but according to the
average man's idea a
woman after marriage was
about as important as
the vice-president of
the United States.
"She said there wasn't
much difference between
a married woman and a
regular servant, except
that a regular servant
did get a day off now
and then and could
change her position if
she didn't like the one
she had. She also
added when she used to
work she knew what her
salary was, but she
believed that it was
more exciting guessing
how much she was to get
each week from me.
" 'Sometime,' she added,
'you might have a lapse
of memory and bring me
home a box of chocolates
just to see if I could
eat them. Nine
years of yankee peanut
have almost caused me to
tire of it. But be
careful and don't bring
out any roses or
carnations. My
heart's weak and I'm
afraid I couldn't stand
the shock.' "
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