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THE ADVENTURES
OF
FATTY LEWIS
By
Arthur
Killick
Copyright,
1915, by A. F.
Killick and W.
P. Harvey |
FATTY AND
THE MAN TAMERS.
"So
the man tamers already
have been telling your
wife how to manage you,
have they?" Fatty Lewis
repeated. I knew
they would be giving her
an earfull of dope
sooner or later, and
that's the reason I
tried to help you out.
"I suppose it was a lot
of old maids that never
had a husband," Lewis
continued.
"Well, they wasn't all
old maids," Hurrah Smith
replied. "Your
wife dealt out a little
first aid to the
injured, too."
"Oh, yes," Lewis
replied, "Mrs. Lewis
told me about meeting
your wife. I
believe I could
truthfully state that
she overtold me about
it.
" 'You're not nearly as
foxy as you thing you
are,' Mrs. Lewis says to
me after she'd been over
to visit your wife.
'The idea of you trying
to create the impression
that the reason you
don't work around the
house is because you're
putting something over
on me,' she continued.
'Why, your own mother
told me that when you
was a boy that you never
even made a kite that
would fly.
" 'As for your pet
theory that the Indians
had the right idea in
making their women do
all the work,' she
continued, 'it wouldn't
be so bad if you stopped
at letting the women do
the work. But when
you carry it out to the
point of thinking the
women should also dress
like squaws it's going a
little too far. I
don't choose blankets
for my wardrobe, and I'm
not to wear beads like
G. Hoffman.
" 'You should tell
Hurrah Smith that all
women imagine that their
husbands own a couple of
lamps like the one
Aladdin had and all that
it is necessary to do is
to rub the lamp and the
money appears. If
you've got a lamp,' she
added, 'it not only
needs filling, but you
also better trim the
wick. It's a cinch
it ain't burning.'
" 'I guess you think I
find money?' I told her.
'Didn't I give you five
bucks yesterday morning.
Here you are again
asking for more today.'
" 'Well, if you do find
any money you lose it
before you get home,'
she retorted.
'It's a chinch I never
see it.
" 'Yes,' she went on,
sarcastically, 'you gave
me $5 yesterday morning,
and if you'd waited five
minutes you'd have seen
where it went. You
hadn't got out of the
house before your
laundry came. Only
$1.27. The laundry
man just left and the
boy came from the
cleaners. Bing!
$1 more. Then the
insurance collector with
a double assessment, and
I wasted the rest of it
buying lunch for that
collection of owls you
had out last night for
your favorite pastime of
looking for the third
ace.'
" 'Well, you know those
boys keep me in car fare
and loose change,' I
told her.
" 'I know that's what
you've been telling me,'
she replied, 'but the
other night while you
were out on the back
porch after some
refreshments I heard
them talking,' she
replied.
" ' "We'll have to
change the water on this
fish," one of them said,
"he'll come to the top
one of these days if we
don't let him win before
long, and then we'll
have to find a new
fishing resort."
" ' "Oh, no," another
one remarked, "We got
the sucker hooked now,
and he's trying to get
even. We might
spoil him if we let him
win." '
" 'They wasn't talking
about me,' I said.
" ' Maybe not,' she
replied, 'but they were
talking about someone
who wasn't present, and
you were the only one
out of the room.
However, I'm glad to
know you always win.
From now on you can
furnish your own
lunches.
" 'It's all right if you
give a party every
night,' she continued.
'That massive brain of
yours needs relaxation
from your business
worries. Yet if I
entertain my bridge club
once in two months you
start yelling about
unnecessary expenses.

"Why not play like
I'm a customer sometime
and take me to eat in a
place where the dining
room is far enough away
from the kitchen that I
won't come out smelling
like a fried potato?"
" 'Of course, you being
the only and original
meal ticket must have
plenty of clothes.
You have to meet people
every day in your
business. I
don't,' she declared,
'but that ain't no sight
I wouldn't like to --
at least somebody
besides the ice man,
delivery boys and the
men who read the gas and
water meters.
They're not necessary
just to go to nickel
operas. You've
taken me to flickering
tape shows until I
actually don't recollect
seeing a man or
woman on the stage that
really talks or makes
sounds.
" 'Why is it that
business always gets so
bad the minute you hit
the front walk? It
seems like the present
panic has been on for a
long time, yet you dress
about the same as you
did when things were
breaking good.
You're still smoking the
same brand of cigars and
you haven't shaved
yourself for so long
that your razor is
covered with rust.
Let's get off of what I
do and talk about you
for awhile.
" 'What about all those
hotel meals you eat,'
she inquired.
'Surely, everybody
don't' have birthday
celebrations except you,
do they? You must
be the chairman of
the entertainment
committee once in a
while. Don't you
ever jar?'
" 'Now and then I have
to take some customer
out to lunch,' I
admitted, 'but we always
eat in the grill.
You don't expect me to
take 'em to one of them
catch-as-catch-can-help-yourself
joints, do you?
Perhaps you think I
ought to take 'em some
place and sit on stools
and have a chile
banquet. You women
sure got some swell
ideas about business.'
" 'There you go with
that grill stuff again,'
she replies. 'I
suppose they give away
the food in the grill,'
she added.
'Probably pay you to eat
there, don't they?
What is a grill?'
" 'I don't know what
it is,' I told her, 'but
I do know why it
is. It's so men
can eat without being
annoyed' it's ----'
" 'I know,' she
interrupted, 'it's also
the official alibi.
Why not play like I'm a
customer some time and
take me a place where
they don't have to raise
the ceiling if some one
lights a cigar? At
least take me some place
where a dining room is
far enough from the
kitchen that I won't
come out smelling like
fried potatoes.
I'll promise not to get
the habit. The
Smiths were down to the
new hotel the other
night. Imagine how
I felt when she asked me
what I thought of the
decorations?"
" 'I've been planning to
take you down there some
night,' I told her, '
but I just haven't
gotten around to it
yet.'
" 'Ha, ha,' she replied.
'Planning to take me,
are you? I'm
afraid I'll be too old
to see it or eat
anything but soup by the
time you make up your
mind to take me.
You're good, you are.
Planning to take me.
Why, say, I haven't seen
the new Union Station,
and it's been open a
year and a half.
What are you saving that
treat for? I
suppose that'll be in my
tenth wedding
anniversary celebration
-- seeing the Union
Station!"
" 'As for my ideas about
business,' she added,
'just because I haven't
sprung them on you is no
sign that I haven' got
any. Furthermore,
from now on you're going
to get a few of my
ideas. I've been
letting you down so easy
that you're spoiled
And if you or your
friends think anybody
but a business woman
could run a household on
the allowance I get from
you I'd certainly like
to stand trial before a
jury on the charge of
not knowing anything
about business.
They'd acquit me without
ever leaving the jury
box.
" 'I'm
also pleased to learn
that you told Hurrah
that he had a partner,'
she added, 'that
marriage is a
partnership must be a
recent discovery of
yours. From the
way you've always acted
I was under the
impression that you
thought marriage was a
close corporation and
that you not only owned
98 per cent of the stock
but was also the board
of directors, president
and vice-president,
general manager and
secretary and treasurer.
From now on it is to be
a partnership and you
and me are going to
split fifty-fifty.
Just try that on your
piano and getting
familiar with it,
because that's kind of
what's going to happen.
"The ol' lady kinda
stepped on your
contract, didn't she?"
Hurrah said, laughingly.
"Stepped on it?" Lewis
replied. "She did
a barn dance on it.
You can take it from me
that if she put
all the poison in Mrs.
Smith's system that she
claims she did, you
better live right up to
the rules or you're
going to be benched
before the game gets
past the second inning.
However, she admitted
that I was write on one
thing."
"What was that?' Smith
inquired.
"About women's
intuition," Lewis
replied. "She pleaded
not guilty to having any
intuition.
" 'If I'd had,' she
declared, I'd never have
quit the good job I had
to make room for the one
you gave me.
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