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THE ADVENTURES
OF
FATTY LEWIS
By
Arthur
Killick
Copyright,
1915, by A. F.
Killick and W.
P. Harvey |
FATTY AND
THE DANCERS.
"There's
nothing to it, Hurrah,
this rising generation
is too fast for us Old
Folks," Fatty Lewis
declared. "I used
to think I was running
'on high,' but I must be
geared for 'low'."
"You look good," Smith
replied.
"So does a Ben Davis
apple," Lewis answered.
"I might look good in a
rocking chair -- but on
a dancing floor I'm a
24-carat mutt.
From now on the dancing
in the Lewis family is
in my wife's name.
I was a wall flower all
last winter. This
year I'd made up my mind
I was going to beat the
barrier. I was
going to learn these new
dances. Last
summer when it was 108
in the shade and
everyone else was using
their heads on ways and
means to keep cool I was
sparring with the
Hesitation and the
Castle Walk. I
wore out nine records,
two rugs, three pair of
shoes and one perfectly
good disposition.
When I got through I'd
about decided I was the
last page in the latest
book on the new dances.
All I needed was a show
ring. There never
was a doubt in my mind.
The Blue Ribbon was
cinched. The other
night 'Old Opportunity'
in the form of Mrs.
Lewis pounded on the
front door.
" 'We're invited to a
swell dance tonight,'
Mrs. Lewis declared in
her best party voice.
'I've already accepted.'
" 'Here's where my
Hesitation stock pays
dividends'," I thought
to myself. 'I'll
sure knock 'em off the
seats.' While Mrs.
Lewis was dressing I
went out in the kitchen
and rehearsed a few
steps. Just wanted
to be sure I was in good
form. 'You're the
goods, old boy,' I says
to myself. 'Wait
till they lamp you on a
real floor with regular
music.'
"When we got out to the
hall I went to the
smoking room.
There was a lot of guys
swapping dances.
'Trading across,' I
believe they called it."
"Sort of sight and
unseen?" Hurrah asked.
"That's it," Lewis
admitted. "Same as
we used to with knives
and agates. It was
all new to me. But
I wasn't going to tip my
hand that I wasn't hep.
The first thing I knew I
had swapped Mrs. Lewis
for nine skirts that I'd
never seen. I
didn't knew whether they
was blondes, brunettes,
short, tall, fat or
lean. I didn't
care. I knew I had
the late dances and had
more confidence than a
town dog has fleas.
What bothered me was
whether I'd traded Mrs.
Lewis off for peaches or
a collection of limes
and quinces. I
danced Nos. 1 and 2 with
Mrs. Lewis. We
stepped right along.
All I had to do was to
find No. 3. I did.
She was a regular
picture book blonde with
the appearance of an
emotional actress in
repose. I walked
over to where she was
sitting and started
dealing her the regular
line.
" 'I believe I have the
pleasure of this one
with you,' I remarked.
I threw in a smile and
tried to act like I
meant what I said.
" 'I'm sure I don't
know,' she replied,
giving me the 'once
over.' 'One never
knows at these public
dances with whom they
have to dance---' "
"Public dance?" Hurrah
interrupted.
"Thought you said it was
a swell affair."
"Well, I guess it
wasn't" Lewis retorted.
"None of them 'Admission
fifty cents, ladies
free,' affairs.
This one read,
'Subscription $1.00.'
I'd hardly say 'public
dance' when they nick
you an 'iron man' to get
in.
"If that bird thought
she was going to 'up' me
she had another guess
coming. I was out
for a pleasant evening.
One blonde more or less
with a snowy disposition
wasn't going to annoy
father. I just
ignored the remark.
By the time the dance
was half over I believe
I convinced her that I
was or should have been
her partner.
" 'Presume you
Hesitate,' I said sorta
off-hand like, trying to
can any swell-headedness
over my great work in
mastering the late
dances.
" 'Hesitate,' she
remarked in a far-away
manner. 'I believe
I used to,' she
continued in a bored
tone. 'Really,
it's been so long ago, I
don't know whether I
remember the steps or
not.' The frost I
got would have knocked
the leaves off'n a scrub
oak.
" 'The Hesitation is at
least a 1913 model,
isn't it?' I inquired.
"I believe they did
dance it some that
year,' she continued.
'And I suppose it's
still all right for old
people who like the
Lancers and the Polka.
Personally I prefer the
Fox-Trot, Lulu-Fado or
the Waltz-Canter.
" 'Would you mind taking
me where I can get a
drink of water?' she
added. By the time
we got the drink the
dance was over. I
as sure glad.
Asking taht iceberg to
Hesitate was just like
trying to induce someone
to get out in a
12-cylinder limousine to
take a ride in a hack.
I shook her and looked
up No. 4. The
dance was a schottische.
The girl was a brunette.
Nice big sociable
looking doll.
Pretty teeth.
Chewed gum.
Regular girl. I
didn't have to swear to
an affidavit or submit
Bertillon measurements
to convince her that I'd
been wished on her.
" 'This ain't no Fox
Trotter or Lulu Fadoer,'
I said to myself.
" 'Do the Shiver?' she
asks, making a quick
switch on the gum.
" 'Guess not,' I says.
'Never heard of it.'
" ' Oh,' she
exclaimed, 'you Twinkle.
Good. I prefer it
to the Shivers.'
" 'Plead not guilty to
the second count,' I
replied. 'I'm
afraid to Twinkle.
I might go out.
Without wishing to brag
I can schottische.
That's what my card
calls for on this one.'
" 'Well, I'll try to
dance it,' she replied,
'but I may have
forgotten the steps.
I haven't been to a
country dance for a long
time. You'll
pardon me if I make a
mistake.' We
struggled through it,
and I got about as much
consideration as though
I'd learned to dance
from a magazine article.
I was all hot and
excited, and my collar
had begun to wilt.
These new dancers had me
going.

"I may have forgotten
the steps, she replied.
"I haven't been to a
country dance for a long
time."
"No. 5 appeared to have
spent her school days
along about the same
time I did mine.
She wore glasses.
Looked sedate, safe,
sane and conservative.
'Here's an old time
girl,' I thought.
'No foolishness here.'
" 'Do you like the
Macheese?' she fired at
me for the opening
salute. I knew all
about Camembert, Edam,
Liedertafel, Fromage De
Brie, Swiss and American
creams, but Macheese was
a new one. I was
afraid to tackle
anything new in the
cheese line. I
said I didn't choose it.
" 'Perhaps you do the
Lame Duck or the Fish
Walk?' she suggested.
I broke down and
confessed I didn't do
either. I made my
get-away. No. 5
was like the others.
She'd try to remember
the Castle.
"After that dance I
hunted up Mrs. Lewis.
'Say,' I demanded, 'what
kind of game am I up
against? Is there
any milk on my boots or
burrs on my trousers?'
" 'Why?' she inquires.
'Why?' I repeated.
'Nothing. I don't
mind being panned
because I don't know a
lot of Brazilian and
Spanish dances, but when
they get fresh enough to
get personal and ask me
about what kind of
cheese I like it's the
time for me to blow.'
" 'Who said anything
about cheese?' Mrs.
Lewis inquired.
'That last bird I just
danced with asked me if
I like the Macheese,' I
replied.
" 'Oh, you big simp, she
meant the Maxixe.
That's a dance,' Mrs.
Lewis declared.
'By the way,' she added,
'I haven't got from the
fourteenth to the
eighteenth. Will
you get--'
"Oh, yes, you have,' I
replied. 'You may
not know it, but you've
got 'em with the street
railway company.' "
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